1. That’s fuckin’ right.
*knock on door*
“Sir have you found Jesus?”
Uh, no. Goodbye.
*Jesus steps out from behind door with gun*
— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) September 10, 2015
2. Stop complaining.
Big deal Jesus, so your dad sent you here to suffer & die, that’s what all the rest of us are doing too
— the hippo account (@InternetHippo) September 21, 2015
3. For fun. The answer is for fun.
Anyone who asks, “Why does God let bad things happen to people” has clearly never purposefully drowned one of their Sims in a pool
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) July 28, 2015
4. Get some sun, kids.
remember teens: even Jesus once logged off for 3 days
— lawblob (@lawblob) June 22, 2014
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
— Elle Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) May 1, 2014
6. Uh, that’s kinda fucked up guys.
jesus: what do people call the day i was crucified
me: good friday. we call it “good friday”
jesus: what the fuck
— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) April 3, 2015
7. *Whiny voice* but daaaaaa-aaad.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
— k e i t h 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) January 15, 2015
8. *high five*
Noah: Two? Why two of every animal?
[God whispers in Noah’s ear]
Noah: nice lol
— Mike Ginn (laurel) (@shutupmikeginn) March 30, 2015
9. This is the way things are done around here.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
— Gerry McBride (@GerryMcBride) March 21, 2016
10. Seriously soooo nice of you.
And God said unto Abraham, “j/k u don’t have to sacrifice ur son but im seriously flattered u can kill this sheep instead and make me Uggs.”
— Trevor S (@trevso_electric) May 1, 2014
11. The earth was an assignment God waited until the last minute to do.
And on the seventh day God look on that which he had created and he said unto it: “Fuck it, send.”
— maura quint (@behindyourback) October 31, 2015
12. It’s whatever, I could whip one together in like 5 minutes.
god: u gotta build a boat
noah: can’t u build ur own boat.. i mean, ur god
god: [nervously] no i can i just wanna see if u know how
— chuuch (@ch000ch) May 31, 2015
13. Someone give this guy a Tic Tac.
“Put me down, God! Ain’t nobody want yo stank bref in they face.” pic.twitter.com/snfjvPhNlT
— Jocelyn Plums (@ColoradoUgly) November 21, 2015
14. Just yer average supper, super caj.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) January 5, 2015
15. This seems like an overreaction.
God: Babies will come out your vag.
God: You’ll feed them with your boobs.
Eve: Dude. All I did was eat an apple.
— shauna (@goldengateblond) November 23, 2015
When God closes a door, he opens a window. And then a couple of tabs so he can toggle between various genres of porn.
— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) May 29, 2015
17. God damnit, Dave.
God said to Noah “Build me an ark”, then He slipped and His big papier-mâché head fell off, and Noah saw He was Dave, who wanted a free boat
— popular comedy account “the pixelated boat” (@pixelatedboat) September 20, 2015
18. Ok good plan.
God: kill your son
God: holy shit I’m jk
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
— paperwash© (@PaperWash) November 11, 2015
19.This was for sure how it went down, guys.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) January 15, 2015
20. Toootally getting to second base tonight.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) December 4, 2013